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GlassMan

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Posted: April 30 2010,9:19 am

Post # 1

Hey gang, I need some advice.

I think after all these years I can separate the wheat from the chaff, so don't mince words (most here won't anyway, lol)

And try to look at the issue from a current day perspective...I already know what it was like "Back in the Day". :laugh

Here's the sitch. My youngest will be 16 next month. While she's a very bright young woman, it always hasn't been reflected in her grades. So I always try and incentivize things for her to make a better effort.

She's had her learner's permit for a while now and will be able to get her provisional license on her birthday.

She has been after me, begging and pleading, for a pick-up truck for a couple of years now.

A while back I told her that if she pulled straight A's by the time she was eligible for her license, I would buy her a truck. I never said a "New" truck, but she made it clear that it had to be an F150.

So guess what?

Her progress report shows up in the mail yesterday....two B's and the rest A's (2 A+ - Biology and Geometry). Now things aren't looking my way regarding the truck promise.

Historically speaking, that's a damn good report. I spoke to a couple of other parents and they would be ecstatic if their kids brought home those grades.

Not to mention she's a freshman and starting Varsity softball player.

I know I told her "Straight" A's.....and so does she.

Here's my chance to be the hero or the A-hole (no pun intended) of the century (remember, my wife is sitting in the wings watching this all go down)

I have done a bit of looking around and a decent F150 isn't cheap. I did find one down in San Clemente that a Marine is selling because he's moving (not one of the Craigslist scams - I spoke to the guy) he's dropped the price a few times and is now willing to sell it for what he owes the Navy Bank.

He's running out of time. Sounds like a nice guy and I'd be helping out a serviceman, so here I am.....

what to do...... :rolleyes

It's a fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the Calendar says : WTF .......

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WATERDOG

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Posted: April 30 2010,9:47 am

Post # 2

Your whole idea was to get her grades up, you and she did that. Give her the A for effort and buy her the truck. Besides, she's gonna need a means of trans anyway and you don't want her in an un-safe piece of junk. Perhaps throw in the stipulation that if the grades drop, the truck gets parked. I know when I was young I had a deal like this with my parents. I got straight A's and one B+. They called off the deal as I didn't do my side even though I busted my butt. It really hurt. All that effort for nothing. At the same time I did learn something I guess. Straight A's for the rest of High School and College too. It still hurt though.

"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR

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gigamurph

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Posted: April 30 2010,10:06 am

Post # 3

You're a good dad GMan; just not very smart. J/K here; but ya should have known that those "As" were gonna be there. Ya gave her a "light at the end of the tunnel" to strive for, and when the "chips were down", she came through.

Now to your problem. As hard as she may try, straight "As" just may not be in her future, as some people just aren't meant to be proficient in all areas.

With that said; you seem to feel you owe her something for the effort put forth to improve her grades up to this point. You should have went with something a little cheaper, but you didn't. So try this on for size, Get her the truck (if you can truly afford it w/o bankrupting the family; if you can't, explain it to her and though she will probably be in a snit for awhile, she'll understand soon enough) w/a few stipulations. Since she didn't get "straight As" as you asked for, have her make a reasonable "monthly payment" to you and/or her mother. It doesn't have to be cash; could be errands ran, housework, dinners, yardwork, etc.; I think you see where I'm going w/this; AND those grades have to be maintained. (those "Bs" are nothing to scoff at and may be her best effort).

Also in question would be maintenace on the vehicle. Were you planning on it being 100% yours and your wife's responsiblity or was she going to have a hand in it. If she was, she can be made responsible for scheduling the necessary maintences and part of the costs. (of course w/you watching over her, wouldn't want to go 10,000 miles between oil changes, etc.)

This situation can be quite complex so take my suggestions as just a beginning into ways to make her responsible and deserving of such a "reward". You and your wife can adjust asyou deem better suited for your family.

Hope my opinion was of help and tell your daughter congratulations and to keep up the good work.

"My lifestyle determines my deathstyle!" -Metallica

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CaliKat

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Posted: April 30 2010,12:56 pm

Post # 4

Here's my concern...where's the provision about KEEPING those grades up? Anyone can bust their ass for a quarter or semester, but it's keeping them up that will be the issue.

I never got rewarded for good grades...it was my job and I was expected to do well. And when I didn't, there were consequences....so this whole concept of rewarding kids with cars for doing their job is kind of foreign to me.

It's difficult not to go to the "back in the day" scenario. It really bothers me that kids these days have nicer stuff than I have now, let alone what I had when I was a kid. Yes, times have changed...but as a teacher I've seen a boatload of crap and entitlement from kids who think they deserve everything without actually having worked for anything...too many parents living vicariously through their kids, I think...which leads to many living beyond their means and financial meltdowns like we're experiencing now. That's a general observation, not directed at you, GM.

I think it's great that your daughter worked so hard to bring her grades up, but as a child I don't think she should be dictating what her exact reward would be. She should be happy with getting a vehicle in good shape that is safe. There will be plenty of time for her to get her dream vehicle when she's an adult.

You said not to mince words, so I didn't. I'm not trying to criticize anyone's parenting...just pointing out things that concern me...as an outsider looking in.

(going to hide in the corner now)

"This is for all the friends I've known, this is for all the ones who've never left me alone. This is for all the ones I've lost along the way...thanks for being a part of today."

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David

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Posted: April 30 2010,1:36 pm

Post # 5

I have three daughters, 10 grandchildren and 1 1/2 great grandchildren. I told my daughters I would help them untile they had a wreck or traffic ticket. They pulled good grades but not all A'a. Never regreted my decisions and the daughters never had a ticket while living at home. Let your heart guide you. But remember this. Once they leave home you will find that they will have little time for you and your wife. Once married and with children they will be busy just being parents.

You can't go forward looking back!

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GlassMan

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Posted: April 30 2010,1:54 pm

Post # 6

Hey no corner hiding Kat!

Gig, Ken, thanks a million for the input as well.

I hear you loud and clear about her getting good grades being her "job" - that's been my mantra all along.

And as far as kids having better stuff these days - remember, they go to school with kids who live right ON the beach...I've had to answer questions like, "Daddy, why don't YOU have a jet to take us skiing? Why doesn't OUR house have an elevator?" ...don't get me started. :beat

The transpo issue is a rather touchy subject at our house though. We live a ways from the school, there is no school bus and the public transpo is sketchy at best - either runs at the wrong times or is actually too full to get on when she needs to. We went that route with her older sister and invariably my wife would have to drive them to school (I leave way too early) - so from my wife's perspective, her having her own vehicle is a tremendous help.
And yes, you are right that it doesn't have to be the dream car. Her sister got lucky and she inherited mom's car. She's pretty easy going about stuff like that.

This one just figured that "If" we were going to buy her a vehicle that she would like it to be a truck so she can carry her dirt bike in it. (don't say it)

Of course, continuing to carry the good grades would be rule #1 and the keys would be on a short leash.
I'm looking down the road a ways as well. The hope is that she will attend Cal State Long Beach (good softball school) and she will commute - which will save me a bunch of money over the long haul - unlike her sister who is away at school and costing me a ton of money that I can't write-off! :pissed

As to the cost.....well it's not going to break the bank and it isn't something we didn't do for the older 4 in one way or another. (I do stick to my guns though, the oldest defaulted on some payments and I took the car and sold it.)

Heck, I'll probably open my big mouth when one of the grand kids get old enough to drive......if I'm around by then :laugh

It's a fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the Calendar says : WTF .......

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GlassMan

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Posted: April 30 2010,2:00 pm

Post # 7

Quote (David @ April 30 2010,1:36 pm)

I have three daughters, 10 grandchildren and 1 1/2 great grandchildren. Â I told my daughters I would help them untile they had a wreck or traffic ticket. Â They pulled good grades but not all A'a. Â Never regreted my decisions and the daughters never had a ticket while living at home. Â Let your heart guide you. Â But remember this. Â Once they leave home you will find that they will have little time for you and your wife. Â Once married and with children they will be busy just being parents.

Well, my experience has been quite the opposite. I think I see the older ones (and their kids) as much as I do the one we have left at home. :laugh

In fact, the oldest is back in with us (temporarily) while he goes through his divorce.....and he has his two kids half the time as well.
So not only do we see them - we are having a major flashback with an infant in the house again!

We have a revolving door.....what I need is a doorman checking for invites! :banghead

But you are right about letting my heart guideme....and Ken's mention of never forgetting about his deal kinda hit home.

It's a fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the Calendar says : WTF .......

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WATERDOG

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Posted: April 30 2010,2:08 pm

Post # 8

So both the Daughter and the Wife will be happy, thus in turn, you'll be happier. What color are you getting? :good

"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR

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Posted: April 30 2010,2:26 pm

Post # 9

You should be very proud with the grades and the softball. Â Perhaps she'll be able to get herself to the various practices, etc. and save you a bit there as well. Â My 17 year old boy doesn't even want his license and we take him and his girlfriend everywhere. Â I remember getting mine two days after my birthday only cause it fell on a Saturday so I don't understand why he doesn't want it PLUS I offered him my ragtop to boot (so I could get me a new one ) Great bits of advice here from the other posters!

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CaliKat

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Posted: April 30 2010,2:32 pm

Post # 10

Okay, I'm not in the corner anymore...I'm under the bed. :laugh

I figured transportation would be a big factor, it's definitely tough when you have kids involved in activities outside of school. I was lucky, I lived close to my HS, my mom didn't work and I always had someone I could bum a ride from if I need to. But times have definitely changed so it becomes more critical for kids to have cars now (or access to them) than it did way back when. Plus, as a parent I would imagine you'd feel a lot better about knowing she's the one behind the wheel, rather than some other kid who might not be as responsible. It sounds like she understands the value of this reward and her "ownership" in it.

I like Gig's ideas of making her somewhat financially responsible (whether cash or "trade") and working with her to make sure the truck is maintained. The more she has invested in the truck, the more responsible she'll be with it. And sit down together to come up with the "rules" and what actions might cause her to lose access to the truck. Again, the more "ownership" she has, the better.

I hear you on the comparison to other families. But for all the wanting of the fancy stuff, I think most kids realize that there's often a trade off...fancy stuff doesn't always make for a happy family. There's something to be said for 'earning' your toys, instead of having them handed to you on a platter like most of those kids. What your daughter did was no small accomplishment--those are fantastic grades! And there may be room for a fudge factor...sometimes getting that "A" is next to impossible, especially from certain teachers (I ran into that in grad school, had a teacher that refused to give me a straight pass on my comprehensive exams, even though I had surpassed what was expected. It was her way of maintaining control..so instead I had to meet with her so she could see I was truly deserving. :rolleyes

). So if she has met the spirit of the deal, then you'll do the right thing. That truck would be a great motivator in keeping her grades up for college, I'm sure.

I really like the idea of helping out that Serviceman too...that's a win-win. :good

"This is for all the friends I've known, this is for all the ones who've never left me alone. This is for all the ones I've lost along the way...thanks for being a part of today."

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Posted: April 30 2010,8:03 pm

Post # 11

I have a 18, 17, 14, year old, I'm taking note right now on what not to do.

My daughter already is telling me she want my 65 GTO and I wa snot thinking and told her sure you can have it when you grow up :rolleyes

She said cool won't be long before I'm 16. :jawdrop

Then I had to tell her, I mean when I pass on you can have it. :rolleyes

She said thats fine you enjoy it now. :drink

^^^^ Global Warming NOT HERE
The Planet has a fever!!!!!!!!!

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Posted: April 30 2010,10:40 pm

Post # 12

Quote (lawbreaker2 @ April 30 2010,8:03 pm)

She said cool won't be long before I'm 16. :jawdrop

Then I had to tell her, I mean when I pass on you can have it. :rolleyes

Â She said thats fine you enjoy it now. :drink

Um, You might wanna sleep with one eye open...........

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Posted: April 30 2010,10:47 pm

Post # 13

Tough call Glass....

Seems you are kinda hemmed in already though....

I am very impressed with all the answers here though!!

You HD-Fers are amazing parents, and I'm taking notes!!! :good

Keep us posted! I will be going through this in a few years!

(Already told the boy we are buying a wrecked Jeep and rebuilding it..... for "him".... Â :laugh

Â )

Edited by Fragile Magic on April 30 2010,10:51 pm

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lawbreaker2 Male

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Posted: May 01 2010,5:44 am

Post # 14

Quote (Fragile Magic @ May 01 2010,1:47 am)

Tough call Glass....

Seems you are kinda hemmed in already though....

I am very impressed with all the answers here though!! Â

You HD-Fers are amazing parents, and I'm taking notes!!! Â :good

Â

Keep us posted! I will be going through this in a few years!

(Already told the boy we are buying a wrecked Jeep and rebuilding it..... for "him".... Â :laugh

Â Â )

Be very carefull what you tell them, cux time moves so fast, You tell them one thing at 13 and next thing you know there 18 and out of school. :rolleyes

I just wish time would so down a little so I can enjoy them a little longer while there still little. :bowdown

^^^^ Global Warming NOT HERE
The Planet has a fever!!!!!!!!!

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gigamurph

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Posted: May 01 2010,6:43 am

Post # 15

"(Already told the boy we are buying a wrecked Jeep and rebuilding it..... for "him"...." -Fragile Magic

Now you're talkin'. :good

Nothin' aimed at you GMan.

"My lifestyle determines my deathstyle!" -Metallica

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shueman

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Posted: May 01 2010,9:07 am

Post # 16

She's been showing her responsibility in life with just being involved in her sports, and has shown her ability to perform in school as well. :good

That's a rare commodity these days....plus she's got the elder siblings for advice and guidance.

Take her out and let her be part of the decision. Have her drive an F150 to be sure that it's gonna fit her everyday driving needs (2dr stepside's are cool though). A smaller road footprint might suit her better, especially with visability/parking/etc. She also has personal property security that a SUV/cross-over might fit better.

With our son, the Toyota truck has been a perfect choice...just too bad he never washes it... :laugh

Good luck with your decision...and post a pic of the final outcome... :cool

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GlassMan

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Posted: May 01 2010,6:45 pm

Post # 17

Every one of you had something significant to contribute. I'm very fortunate to have this....you all, Doug's place, this effin' rocks.

Thank you.

We had a long heart to heart this morning. There were tears, there were promises made and an understanding developed.

There was a truck that we had planned on maybe looking at today and when I learned that we couldn't come down to look at it until 2ish, I left a message that maybe tomorrow morning would be better. Less traffic and we could be done early.

Well that changed and we decided to take a look. So we drove down and got there at 2:30. The fellow selling the truck was waiting outside, real nice guy. He's back from his second deployment and he'll probably go over at least once more.
The truck is a cream puff. He told me his dad (a Navy man of 23 years) raised him to take care of his hard earned possessions. Well, this kid sure learned well. I sure do appreciate a well maintained vehicle.
He had it advertised for only a short while, but had come down 3 times in the hope of selling it fast - he and his girlfriend are moving back to his parents house in Michigan.
He had told me that I could have it for what he owed on it - several hundred less than the selling price.

Well, after the test drive and crawling all over and under it, I turned to my daughter and said, "What do you think?"

I though she was about ready to burst.

Needless to say, Ken - you're spot on, I have two very happy wimmin in my life at this moment.

While they were getting all chatty with the fellow's girlfriend I pulled him aside and told him I'd pay his original asking price.

He looked at me....with a puzzled look, as if to say, "Really?"
I just nodded, he shook my hand and said, "Thank you sir".

So......all in all, my world is pretty good right now.

:peace

It's a fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the Calendar says : WTF .......

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WATERDOG

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Posted: May 01 2010,7:08 pm

Post # 18

Had no doubts about this working out well. :good

Now where's the pic's. :beat

"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR

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Fragile Magic Male

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Posted: May 01 2010,9:58 pm

Post # 19

Strong work Jim...

:good

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Posted: May 02 2010,5:56 am

Post # 20

Very good congrats Jim!.. :good

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shueman

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Posted: May 02 2010,7:04 am

Post # 21

Congrats...now, where's the pic of the happy driver... :beat

First Class by you on the price as well... :good

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GlassMan

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Posted: May 02 2010,7:10 am

Post # 22

Somebody just couldn't sleep very well last night....she got up early this morning and said, "Dad, you gotta teach me to polish like you do.." I chuckled and said we could practice on Mom's car today and if she did a good job I might let her practice on the van! :laugh

This may work out after all....although, now that I think about it, as soon as that truck is here she'll be too busy detailing it to do chores....NOT!

Here's her dream vehicle:

It's a fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the Calendar says : WTF .......

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Posted: May 02 2010,7:24 am

Post # 23

Very nice!.. :good

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WATERDOG

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Posted: May 02 2010,8:10 am

Post # 24

From that pic, it doesn't look to need much Detailing. :good

Edited by WATERDOG on May 02 2010,8:54 am

"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR

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CaliKat

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Posted: May 02 2010,8:33 am

Post # 25

Jim, you're a class act. :good

Looks like it all worked out the way it was meant to be, and I think this will stick with your daughter for the rest of her life.

big hugs to the happy Glassman family! :grouphug

"This is for all the friends I've known, this is for all the ones who've never left me alone. This is for all the ones I've lost along the way...thanks for being a part of today."

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