Fragile Magic
Capricorn
HDF Supporter
Goat Roper
  
Halfway between Margaritaville and Detox....
Posts: 5,644
APPD 0.82
Post Rank: 14
2005 Yamaha AR230HO
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Posted: May 23 2010,11:23 pm |
Post # 1 |
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"Thought y'all should read this in case you're
thinking of installing an electric fence......
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing
dramatically along the border, soooo...
To make sure this never happened to me, I got me an electric
fence, and ran a single hot wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence.
The ground rod is the key they tell me, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.
So I used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into
the ground.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp
bigwheel pushmower. What do I find, but the hot wire is broken
and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.
I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it,
to throw it out of the way. Well, it seems as though I really hadn't
remembered to unplug it after all. Maybe the dog plugged it back in.
That dammed dog has never liked me since I took him to the vet,
you know what I mean...
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.
Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery
and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying
to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and
I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain
....and my ass....at the same time...
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head
.......and yes, in my ass. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but
my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of
a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where
time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed
like there were minutes in between but in reality it was
so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the
wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I
know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those
crappy cheapo chargers made by International or whoever that were
like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the rocky Pacific coast soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
But then I remember I just filled the tank. Of course.
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled
into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and
with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die...
pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of May, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill
me.
God did not take me that day..... he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created...
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I
woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower
was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day
and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing,
and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire lay while I was on
the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and
in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking
from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. Into each other.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and
my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously!
I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling
or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are smaller than average in diameter, but they
are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while
thinking of the number 4 ( I still don't understand this. )
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I
always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged
before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security
system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy
feeling all over, which also reminds me to check that damn charger
one more time before I mow....and keep that mangy old mutt in the barn."
Edited by Fragile Magic on May 23 2010,11:32 pm
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11-24-2024 Three Word Post.....The Next Generation.... (Rep.#19,435) from: BigDog
