Latest Posts:
flame3-15-2025 Three Word Post.....The Next Generation.... (Rep.#19,659) from: GoFastRacerflameflame3-15-2025 The Totally Useless Thread IV (Rep.#229) from: GoFastRacerflameflame3-15-2025 Brrrr (Rep.#15,000) from: GoFastRacerflameflame3-07-2025 Gas price in your area (Rep.#7,313) from: GoFastRacerflameflame2-03-2025 Hello After 20 Years (Rep.#2) from: GoFastRacerflame
Home » HD Forums » Forums » Open Topic Forum » OFFICE MEMO
No members are browsing this topic
Forum Led by: BigDog, RiverLiver
 

[ Track this topic :: Email this topic :: Print this topic ]
add a reply to this topic create a new topic create a new poll
RVRGIRLFemale Offline
Taurus
 HDF Supporter
Poopsie Bubble Buns
1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Lake Havasu City, AZ
Posts: 2,220
APPD 0.28
Post Rank: 29
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 23 2004,7:38 pm Post # 1 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Dear Staff,  

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain theiraverage figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a SlimFast
and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There
is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paperroll will retract, the stall
door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

MANAGEMENT

I'M ALL ABOUT THE PINK

HAVE A PHENOMENAL DAY!

 
Thats "MRS" RVRGIRL 2 you.....
"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Back to top
website  | Member # 143 | Joined: 6-07-2003 |
Mrs ScubaFemale Offline
Aries
Hottie
100 post flame
Norwalk, CA
Posts: 167
APPD 0.02
Post Rank: 118
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 23 2004,8:14 pm Post # 2 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
That was a good one-

Here's one I love....

"Days Off"

So you want a "DAY OFF".
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With an hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days; leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!
:D

Edited by Mrs Scuba on Mar. 23 2004,8:15 pm

Back to top
| Member # 158 | Joined: 7-16-2003 |
GoFastRacerMale Offline
 HDF Supporter
V-Driver For Life!
50,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame500 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Big River, Ca
Posts: 62,882
APPD 7.81
Post Rank: 1
Spectra20
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 23 2004,8:18 pm Post # 3 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Very funny but true!.. :good  :laugh  :laugh
Back to top
website  | Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |
RVRGIRLFemale Offline
Taurus
 HDF Supporter
Poopsie Bubble Buns
1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Lake Havasu City, AZ
Posts: 2,220
APPD 0.28
Post Rank: 29
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 23 2004,8:40 pm Post # 4 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (Mrs Scuba @ Mar. 23 2004,9:14 pm)
That was a good one-

Here's one I love....

"Days Off"

So you want a "DAY OFF".
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With an hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days; leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!
:D

:rotflmao  :good  :)

I'M ALL ABOUT THE PINK

HAVE A PHENOMENAL DAY!

 
Thats "MRS" RVRGIRL 2 you.....
"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Back to top
website  | Member # 143 | Joined: 6-07-2003 |
BigBoyToysMale Offline
Pisces
 HDF Supporter
Chillin' in the Pacific Northwest
5,000 post flame500 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Spokane, WA
Posts: 5,940
APPD 0.74
Post Rank: 12
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 24 2004,5:58 am Post # 5 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Here's my favorite.  Got it while in college in 1998.  An oldie but goodie :good


Date:    March 29, 1998

To:   All Employees

From:     The Big Boss

Subject: Additional Training

It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure its employees that they are well trained.  Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.

If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, see your supervisor.

Our management people are specially trained to assure that you will get all the SHIT you can handle.

Any individual, who feels he or she has not received sufficient SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING tell your supervisor, so he can put you at the top of the SHIT list.

bb



OBAMA=OneBigAssMistakeAmerica
Back to top
website  | Member # 87 | Joined: 2-19-2003 |
tunamasterMale Offline
Pisces
Boat Racer
500 post flame
Lakewood, California
Posts: 523
APPD 0.07
Post Rank: 60
1995 Commander SS open bow 454 j
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 24 2004,6:22 am Post # 6 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
I'm going to print this, and post it at work.

Every man bleeds, just like me.
Back to top
| Member # 516 | Joined: 3-08-2004 |
GoFastRacerMale Offline
 HDF Supporter
V-Driver For Life!
50,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame500 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Big River, Ca
Posts: 62,882
APPD 7.81
Post Rank: 1
Spectra20
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 24 2004,6:32 am Post # 7 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (BigBoyToys @ Mar. 24 2004,6:58 am)
Here's my favorite.  Got it while in college in 1998.  An oldie but goodie :good


Date:    March 29, 1998

To:   All Employees

From:     The Big Boss

Subject: Additional Training

It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure its employees that they are well trained.  Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.

If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, see your supervisor.

Our management people are specially trained to assure that you will get all the SHIT you can handle.

Any individual, who feels he or she has not received sufficient SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING tell your supervisor, so he can put you at the top of the SHIT list.

bb

That is one of the best, haven't seen this one in a while!.. :good  :laugh
Back to top
website  | Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |
knuckle headMale Offline
Aquarius
"Stupid Bitch"
1,000 post flame1,000 post flame500 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Encinitas Ca./The island of Roatan
Posts: 2,775
APPD 0.34
Post Rank: 22
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 24 2004,6:56 am Post # 8 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:rotflmao  :rotflmao

Knuckle Heads
Back to top
| Member # 80 | Joined: 2-04-2003 |
AZKCMale Offline
Leo
 HDF Bronze Supporter
Jack of all trades. Master of none.
10,000 post flame5,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Tucson
Posts: 16,439
APPD 2.02
Post Rank: 5
1979 20ft Hawaiian Moonraker
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 24 2004,8:13 am Post # 9 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
No wonder I've been having so much trouble I'm at the bottom of the SHIT list ;)

God is Great, Beer is Good, and People are Crazy......

AUTO SAFETY HOUSE

Back to top
| Member # 29 | Joined: 12-18-2002 |
SilverFemale Offline
Scorpio
HDF Bikini Team Leader
1,000 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
OC........were all the little bitches live!
Posts: 1,410
APPD 0.18
Post Rank: 36
making yours look HOTTER!
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 24 2004,9:33 am Post # 10 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Sad but true!

It's a whole new year!

Where my girls at?

Back to top
| Member # 369 | Joined: 1-26-2004 |
Carrera EliteMale Offline
Libra
 HDF Supporter

10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame
Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.42
Post Rank: 2
1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 25 2004,8:34 pm Post # 11 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
To: All Company Employees
Date:March 25'2004
Subject: Retirement of Aged People Early
As a result of automation, as well as a declining workload, all departments must, of necessity, take steps to reduce the work force. A "Reduction in Force" plan has been developed which appears to be the most equitable method under the circumstances.

Under the "Reduction in Force" plan, older employees will be placed on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the department.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. This program shall be known as R.A.P.E., (Retire Aged People Early).

All employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity of seeking lesser positions within the department, provided that while they are being RAPED they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called S.C.R.E.W., (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

As a further step in the program, all employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also apply for a final employment review. This review is to be referred to as S.H.A.F.T., (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Corporate policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice but may receive the SHAFT as many times as the department deems necessary and appropriate.

To clarify this a little further, an Aged Employee is one who has four or more years of service with the company.

Signed: The Management
cc: All Department Heads and Section Managers

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com
Back to top
| Member # 8 | Joined: 12-04-2002 |
Carrera EliteMale Offline
Libra
 HDF Supporter

10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame
Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.42
Post Rank: 2
1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 25 2004,8:45 pm Post # 12 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Here's one for Scuba Steve;

Subject: Company’s Position on "Streaking"
To: All Employees
The Management Has Adapted The Following:

1. Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days, Male on even days. On payday, all employees may streak subject to the following:

2. Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies such as "sock it to me" or "What you see is what you get" will not be permitted to streak. Men with tattoos such as "Let it all hang out" will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females.

3. Junior executives may carry briefcases while streaking, however, the usual rule applies --- Junior executives may never carry any business papers, but may carry the usual such as a box of Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list and playboy magazines, etc.

4. Girls with busts size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in the shop area or around any moving machinery. Girls with bust sizes smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

5. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hairnets. These will be available in the vending machines in the cafeteria.

6. In the event your physical make-up is such that your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls or long hair on boys you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags will be attached on girls with hairpins or paper clips, on boys with rubber bands; please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you have finished streaking.

7. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall. (Due to insurance regulations).

8. No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy or those wishing to become pregnant may streak.

9. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.

10. When streaking, do not tailgate.

Signed: The Management

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com
Back to top
| Member # 8 | Joined: 12-04-2002 |
RVRGIRLFemale Offline
Taurus
 HDF Supporter
Poopsie Bubble Buns
1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Lake Havasu City, AZ
Posts: 2,220
APPD 0.28
Post Rank: 29
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 25 2004,9:00 pm Post # 13 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (Carrera Elite @ Mar. 25 2004,9:45 pm)
Here's one for Scuba Steve;

Subject: Company’s Position on "Streaking"
To: All Employees
The Management Has Adapted The Following:

1. Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days, Male on even days. On payday, all employees may streak subject to the following:

2. Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies such as "sock it to me" or "What you see is what you get" will not be permitted to streak. Men with tattoos such as "Let it all hang out" will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females.

3. Junior executives may carry briefcases while streaking, however, the usual rule applies --- Junior executives may never carry any business papers, but may carry the usual such as a box of Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list and playboy magazines, etc.

4. Girls with busts size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in the shop area or around any moving machinery. Girls with bust sizes smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

5. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hairnets. These will be available in the vending machines in the cafeteria.

6. In the event your physical make-up is such that your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls or long hair on boys you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags will be attached on girls with hairpins or paper clips, on boys with rubber bands; please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you have finished streaking.

7. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall. (Due to insurance regulations).

8. No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy or those wishing to become pregnant may streak.

9. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.

10. When streaking, do not tailgate.

Signed: The Management

That was great!

I'M ALL ABOUT THE PINK

HAVE A PHENOMENAL DAY!

 
Thats "MRS" RVRGIRL 2 you.....
"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Back to top
website  | Member # 143 | Joined: 6-07-2003 |
RVRGIRLFemale Offline
Taurus
 HDF Supporter
Poopsie Bubble Buns
1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Lake Havasu City, AZ
Posts: 2,220
APPD 0.28
Post Rank: 29
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 25 2004,9:05 pm Post # 14 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:ass  Is this SS :stupid

Attached Image
Attached Image

I'M ALL ABOUT THE PINK

HAVE A PHENOMENAL DAY!

 
Thats "MRS" RVRGIRL 2 you.....
"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Back to top
website  | Member # 143 | Joined: 6-07-2003 |
RVRGIRLFemale Offline
Taurus
 HDF Supporter
Poopsie Bubble Buns
1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Lake Havasu City, AZ
Posts: 2,220
APPD 0.28
Post Rank: 29
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 25 2004,9:07 pm Post # 15 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:rotflmao

Attached Image
Attached Image

I'M ALL ABOUT THE PINK

HAVE A PHENOMENAL DAY!

 
Thats "MRS" RVRGIRL 2 you.....
"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Back to top
website  | Member # 143 | Joined: 6-07-2003 |
rude235Male Offline
Pwc'er

las vegas
Posts: 66
APPD 0.01
Post Rank: 166
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 25 2004,9:40 pm Post # 16 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:laugh  :laugh  :laugh  :laugh  :laugh
Back to top
| Member # 442 | Joined: 2-27-2004 |
GoFastRacerMale Offline
 HDF Supporter
V-Driver For Life!
50,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame500 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Big River, Ca
Posts: 62,882
APPD 7.81
Post Rank: 1
Spectra20
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 26 2004,4:53 am Post # 17 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
LMAO!. :good  :rotflmao  :rotflmao
Back to top
website  | Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |
RVRGIRLFemale Offline
Taurus
 HDF Supporter
Poopsie Bubble Buns
1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Lake Havasu City, AZ
Posts: 2,220
APPD 0.28
Post Rank: 29
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 26 2004,10:29 am Post # 18 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
I don't SS saw this... Hope he doesn't...Or Im in trouble. :p

I'M ALL ABOUT THE PINK

HAVE A PHENOMENAL DAY!

 
Thats "MRS" RVRGIRL 2 you.....
"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Back to top
website  | Member # 143 | Joined: 6-07-2003 |
GoFastRacerMale Offline
 HDF Supporter
V-Driver For Life!
50,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame500 post flame100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Big River, Ca
Posts: 62,882
APPD 7.81
Post Rank: 1
Spectra20
Post Icon Posted: Mar. 26 2004,10:50 am Post # 19 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
He will! :laugh  :laugh
Back to top
website  | Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |
18 replies since Mar. 23 2004,7:38 pm < Next Oldest | Next Newest >
 

[ Track this topic :: Email this topic :: Print this topic ]
add a reply to this topic create a new topic create a new poll

Home » HD Forums » Forums » Open Topic Forum » OFFICE MEMO

navbarlogo
The Colorado River WebRing
‹ Prev | Hub | Like | Join | Surprise | Next ›

Please help keep HDF free. If you enjoy this site, feel free to make a donation to keep it running. THANKS!