HD Forums - Topic - Morning Humor

No members are browsing this topic

Forum Led by: BigDog, RiverLiver

[ Track this topic :: Email this topic :: Print this topic ]

87 Cole

Cancer

MacGyver

Carlsbad, CA
Posts: 522
APPD 0.06
Post Rank: 61

Posted: June 29 2004,7:05 am

Post # 1

Bob and Tara are getting ready for bed. Tara is standing in front of a
full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear,"she says,
"I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all
wrinkled, my
boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile
I've got
fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and
says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

Bob studies her intently for a moment, thinking about how to respond,
then
says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well..there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Bob will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 in St. Paul's
Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth.

| Member # 96 | Joined: 2-27-2003 |

GoFastRacer Male

HDF Supporter

V-Driver For Life!
50,000 post flame

Big River, Ca
Posts: 62,882
APPD 7.81
Post Rank: 1
Spectra20

Posted: June 30 2004,5:52 am

Post # 2

Subject: Wedded Bliss

A man and a woman, who have never met before, found
themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Athough somewhat embarrassed
and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were weary and
fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in
the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., he leaned over and gently awakened the
woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she said. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Really? That's a great idea!!"

Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

:rotflmao

| Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |

tunamaster Male

Pisces

Boat Racer
500 post flame

Lakewood, California
Posts: 523
APPD 0.07
Post Rank: 60
1995 Commander SS open bow 454 j

Posted: June 30 2004,6:55 am

Post # 3

Ha Ha Ha

Every man bleeds, just like me.

| Member # 516 | Joined: 3-08-2004 |

GoFastRacer Male

HDF Supporter

V-Driver For Life!
50,000 post flame

Big River, Ca
Posts: 62,882
APPD 7.81
Post Rank: 1
Spectra20

Posted: June 30 2004,8:36 am

Post # 4

guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like
> some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and
> says, "Are you Polish?" > The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I
>am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage
>would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst,
>would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog
>would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you
>ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" > The clerk says, "Well,
>no." > "And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was
>Irish?" > "Well, I probably wouldn't." > With deep self-righteous
>indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if
>I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" > The clerk replies,
>"Because this is Home Depot."

:laugh

| Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |

yard barg

Leo

Hot Boater
100 post flame

nor cal 707
Posts: 246
APPD 0.03
Post Rank: 92

Posted: June 30 2004,10:48 am

Post # 5

a guy is laying in bed , his wife standing in the mirror neeekkkeeddd admiring her body says - honey i look dam good for forty - but my boobs look small - can i get a boob job ?

man say well how much do you think it would cost ?

about 5000,

ouch --- - honey could you go get me some toilet paper ?

ok !

she comes back with toilet paper -

man - ok take a hand full and rub it on your tits

women ???? why

well you want bigger tits dont you ?

yea , but what will that do

man - i don't know - but it worked for your ass !!!!! :rotflmao

adios pussy cat

| Member # 243 | Joined: 10-07-2003 |

GoFastRacer Male

HDF Supporter

V-Driver For Life!
50,000 post flame

Big River, Ca
Posts: 62,882
APPD 7.81
Post Rank: 1
Spectra20

Posted: July 01 2004,5:41 am

Post # 6

BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
>
>Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral,
>as the undertaker-cum-postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the
>lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had
>selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought
>long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request,
>considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone .
>For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a
>postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the
>appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally
>completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
>
>
>"RETURNED UNOPENED"
>

:laugh

| Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |

Carrera Elite Male

Libra
HDF Supporter

Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.42
Post Rank: 2
1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic

Posted: July 03 2004,7:51 am

Post # 7

The Chicken And The Horse

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, and both loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his erect member and lifted him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

| Member # 8 | Joined: 12-04-2002 |

Kim Hanson Male

Capricorn
HDF Bronze Supporter

....( . )( . )....
1,000 post flame

Alberta Canada
Posts: 2,029
APPD 0.25
Post Rank: 32

Posted: July 03 2004,9:59 am

Post # 8

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Born free... taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

If, a two letter word for futility

I don't care, I don't have to.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.

Give pizza chants.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

Life's a buffet... so eat me!

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

I love cats ... dead ones

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?

I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Spotted owl taste just like chicken.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

I have the body of a god... Buddha!

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy

If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Tow-ers will be violated

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror."
..........................( . )( . )................................

| Member # 17 | Joined: 12-06-2002 |

Carrera Elite Male

Libra
HDF Supporter

Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.42
Post Rank: 2
1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic

Posted: July 03 2004,10:31 am

Post # 9

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to,

he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, â€œand I've just buried him. â€œ The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your f#$%@&% cat."

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

| Member # 8 | Joined: 12-04-2002 |

8 replies since June 29 2004,7:05 am

< Next Oldest | Next Newest >

[ Track this topic :: Email this topic :: Print this topic ]

Home » HD Forums » Forums » Open Topic Forum » Morning Humor

The Colorado River WebRing

Please help keep HDF free. If you enjoy this site, feel free to make a donation to keep it running. THANKS!

an online boating community