JustMVG
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Posts: 324
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Posted: Aug. 22 2004,4:22 am |
Post # 1 |
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It's Sunday Funnies time, hope you enjoy these and had a good weekend
The Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
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PAG SUNDAY WIT & WISDOM: 22 August 2004
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ELDERLY WISDOM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I
have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then
she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
to find my hearing aid."
---
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied
the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of
diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him
as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
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A GAME ANYONE CAN PLAY
--By Steve Goodier © 2004
The most miserable people live in their own little worlds of isolation.
They do very little for others and rarely have much fun. I heard of one
older gentleman who was considered by the townspeople to be both rich
and thrifty. His austerity earned him the reputation of a miser. When he
died, everyone expected the authorities to find money stashed
everywhere in his home. All they found were a few gallon cans filled with coins.
It came out that he had used most of his money to help put needy young
students through college. And the coins filled his pockets as he walked
down the streets of the business districts looking for cars whose
parking meters had expired. When he found one, he would drop in a coin. One
of his neighbors commented, "That explains why he looked so happy and
contented!"
Of course! People who go out of their way to help others will always be
happy. When I lived in Denver, I decided to do the same thing. I always
have more coins in my pockets than I need, so whenever I parked on a
busy street I noticed the parking meters around me. If one was expired, I
put in a coin. Then I learned something disturbing. It is illegal to do
that in Denver! (The government found a new way to take a bit of fun
out of my life.?
Once I learned that I was breaking the law, I quit looking for meters
to feed. And I lost that extra bit of joy I used to receive every time I
anonymously aided a fellow motorist. I have moved away from Denver now
and I just might go back to feeding an expired meter from time to time.
I don't know how the city council feels about my little gifts to
unsuspecting drivers, but I know how it feels to be unavoidably late
returning to a parked car, and worrying about whether the meter has run out.
And if I have to look over my shoulder before I deposit a coin, then
somehow I think that may be more fun! It can be a game: do something good
and don't get caught!
Everyone is allowed to play.
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STEP RIGHT UP!
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they
end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed
with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf
all the way along the floor, cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a
little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The
woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention
this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She
turns to him, they kiss, and then they rip each other's clothes off and
make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman
rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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YOU DON'T SAY?
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting
youth.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM.
It could be a right number.
Think about this: No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team
is winning.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
America?
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
them all yourself.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your
panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.
MVG 
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3-31-2025 
